Lesson 65: Parents are so predictable

Parents love to offer advice. It doesn’t come from a place of superiority (in most cases). I think it’s more likely that it comes from a place of nostalgia and helpfulness. Even so, there are things that you will hear over and over and it will begin to wear your nerves. Try really hard to smile and nod, rather than replying, “No shit.”

By the way, I’m sure I’m guilty of saying some of this myself. It just rolls on off the tongue. For those of you who did not reply with some bit of sarcasm to me, I thank you.

“Time will fly by!”

Since your newborn doubled in size about 5 seconds after you brought him home from the hospital, you’ve probably already figured that one out. Though it’s true, I have to point out–you really have no clue. You think you do, and then one day you look at your baby and he’s not a baby anymore. And then you look at him and he looks just like a little boy. And then one day you go to put his shoes on, and his feet have grown 2 sizes overnight. So every time you think you know how fast time goes by, you’ll keep getting those little reminders that tell you, you truly have no idea just how fast it goes.

So I think this one, as much as it is repeated, is justified. But still…

What you want to say: No shit. Are you trying to make me cry?

What you should say: Yes, they’re amazing, aren’t they?! Plus with my super badonka boobs, my milk is stout, yo.

“Time to start baby-proofing!”

As soon as Baby starts crawling, everybody will snicker as if they know some big secret and demand that you immediately move to a rubber room. But the fact is, many of us choose to not baby-proof, or at least to do very limited baby-proofing. In our family, we baby-proof only to the extent that it allows us to be lazy at times; otherwise, our son is learning what he can and cannot touch, climb on, lick, or stick a screwdriver in.

What you want to say: It’s Evolution. Crawling is no huge secret. We kinda figured, and definitely hoped, he’d do it one day.

What you should say: Yes, they’re amazing, aren’t they?!

“Now you’re in trouble!”

Once Baby starts walking, it’s really going to hit the fan! Things are going to be so much different!

No they’re not. Once she’s mobile, she’s mobile. Period. Her type of mobility doesn’t really change all that much. In fact, it was a brief respite for us as J learned to walk since he actually walked slower than he crawled.

What you want to say: Please. I was in trouble just as soon as my pregnancy test showed a big plus sign and I realized my husband had been out of town the month she was conceived.* This is nothing.

What you should say: Yes, they’re amazing, aren’t they?! Such a blessing.

“Oh, now you’re really in trouble!”

If walking didn’t blow your mind, running will. You might as well give it up. No parent ever in the history of parenting has been able to survive their toddler running. It just can’t be done.

Truth? Once J learned to run, he was also pretty darn good at following simple directives. Now, had he been born with the ability to run, we probably would have been in some serious trouble. But as it is, the way development goes in a nice little pattern, we didn’t have a problem.

What you want to say: Nah. He’s leash- and crate-trained. We don’t anticipate any problems.

What you should say: Yes, they’re amazing, aren’t they?!

“When are you having another one?”

You know what? Maybe never. Maybe she doesn’t want more kids. Maybe she can’t have more kids. Maybe she’s been trying for months and months to get pregnant again and hasn’t yet had any luck. Unless you’re close friends with the mother in question, this question is way off limits.

What you want to say: I’m just waiting for my husband to go out of town again…

What you should say: That’s really not your business.

*That was pure sarcasm. My husband is most definitely my Baby Daddy. I’m far too lazy to have an affair. Relax.

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