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Lesson 84: Mind your business

It’s been quiet over here for awhile, I know.

I haven’t known what to write.

I considered starting Lesson 84 about potty-training, but then I didn’t know what to write because my son wouldn’t use the damn potty, so I failed at potty-training (P.S. he got there in his own time, not much thanks to me). Once I hit that block, I was done. I was stuck at potty-training and couldn’t think of a thing to write about past that.

Well, I could. I had a lot on my mind actually, but it was a lot that I wasn’t ready to share. And I’m not completely comfortable sharing it now, but I have to start somewhere I guess.

Let’s talk about the question, When are you going to have another baby?

Can we please all agree to refrain from asking people about their family planning? I know the thought behind the question is good—I’ve asked it myself. But please know that, when you ask that question, you may be punching a woman (or a man) in the gut.

After over a year of trying, I was devastated when we couldn’t get pregnant with our second child–a child I always assumed we’d have with no problem. I never knew that kind of hurt existed, the mourning of a child who kept failing to exist every single month. So when well-meaning friends (or strangers! What the hell?) would ask me about the state of my uterus, it was hard not to scream or cry. Or both.

The simple fact is: family planning is none of your business unless it’s your family you’re planning. Maybe a couple doesn’t want kids, or maybe a couple can’t have kids; and just because a couple has a child does not mean that it’s easy to have another. Should a woman have to explain to you that she simply doesn’t feel a longing for children? Or that she’s been trying for years to get pregnant, and cannot? Or perhaps that one partner wants children and the other doesn’t? Should she have to tell you how many times she’s cried realizing she may never give her child a sibling? Or should she try to define to you the pain, joy, and jealousy she feels each time a friend of hers makes a pregnancy announcement? Should she explain to you that she just experienced yet another miscarriage?

This is a loaded question folks—just don’t ask it. It’s none of your damn business. And unfortunately, good manners dictate that we can’t scream that in your nosy face.

I won’t discuss our struggle any further because it’s not just about me or my husband. Happily, it’s now about our second baby too. Oh, and our third. We prayed so hard for another baby for so long, that God sent us two little blessings (which brings me to another point: When I tell you I’m having twins, an appropriate response is not, I’m glad it’s not me. You can think it all day long, but you don’t need to say it to me. I’m so incredibly blessed that it IS me. These babies are not our burdens.).

Now our struggle is a part of their story, and it feels very personal. But I just needed to say that it’s not always easy for everybody, it’s not always a happy story, and it doesn’t always have a happy ending.

I’m incredibly thankful that our story appears to be well on the track to happily ever after.



One comment on “Lesson 84: Mind your business

  1. Yay! You’re back! Great post!

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